Everyone knows it. Everyone talks about it to their close friends. But howcome you never see the not so fairytale side of weddings discussed out in the open? Hardly any mention of in bridal magazines and websites. Hardly any mention of it in wedding blogs...
You may have noticed my lack of posts as of late. In all honestly, it's because I've had a few of these items that I'm about to list weighing down on my mind. And when I seek advice from others, the common answer seems to be - The most important thing is what you and your groom wants. It's about your marriage and not anyone else's. And though true, the pressures of today's wedding "norm" has put that core concept of a wedding at the bottom of a very long list of delicate things that must be addressed in preparation for your special day.
So in no particular order...
1. Planning a large reception. For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted a fun wedding everyone eats well and dances afterwards. I'm not sure exactly where I got this idea from but cultural and media influences I'm sure played a role in this dream. And because we live in a capitalistic country, there are those that capitalized on the fact that millions of other girls are are dreaming up big wedding receptions. Therefore, the wedding industry emerged putting a large premium on anything wedding related. If you mention wedding at any venues, you are presented with a package showing a much higher price than if you were just planning any ole party. And the result? Let's just say that my groom is planning on picking up extra hours at work(even though I hardly ever see him) and I am now looking for a second part-time job.
2. Determining who will make the invite list. Because of #1, it's pretty much safe to say that we can't quite afford to invite everyone. Because people sometimes equate not being invited to a wedding as a sign of disrespect or that I guess you weren't really as good of a friend as you thought, then it makes this whole business of planning a wedding very political. Rather than focusing on each other's relationships, the bride and groom now have to assess their relationship with everyone else. Will this person be hurt if they don't get invite? Will they no longer talk to me? Will it affect me professionally?
3. Making sure both families are happy. Aside from a bride and groom making the commitment to God and to each other, weddings I think are also a symbolism of two families coming together. But when the two families have different traditions, beliefs, requests, and suggestions, it translates into difficult decisions for the bride and groom. How do you make both families happy? Although holding separate celebrations might satisfy the differences of both sides, it is not in the spirits of bringing two families together. In trying to determine the solution, the bride and groom will likely realize that there's really no way to make everyone happy. And although in the end...is the bride and groom's day after all...how do you say no your family?
4. Choosing who is in your wedding party. Looking through wedding forums, I'm amazed to see how many posts are about friendships that have ended because one wasn't chosen to be in the wedding party. And I'm wondering...does not being in someones wedding party really mean that you're no longer friends?
5. Expectations of your wedding party. A second popular topics in wedding forums are about how many friendships have ended because one was a disappointing bridesmaid or moh. It seems that in this day and age, there is so much emphasis on what being in the bridal party means and the responsibilities that go along with that. When reading through some of these forums, I often wonder how people could let a few "mistakes" relating to all one day trump all that their friendship has meant every day prior to the wedding.
I'm sure there are alot more to this list that can be added. But for now, I might have already shot myself in the foot by posting some of these. At least I know that I'm not the only one nor was I ever the first one to thing about these.
How about you? What are you currently/or have experienced relating to these topics and how did you address them?
I've lost a friendship- my best friend, actually- because of her not having me in her wedding, and then quitting my wedding because she would be too busy with her own. I also lost another BM- my cousin- because of things that were said on her end that my DH put his food down on and said this isn't happening in our BP. My relationship with my sister- my moh- has been strained because of those "expectations".
ReplyDeleteI think, more than anything, it's not that not being in a wedding or not meeting expectations trumps that friendship and the years behind it, I think that when weddings happen (same with funerals), you learn the true nature of people. And you are then confronted with the choice of continuing a relationship that is no good and at times poisonous and abusing- like both of my BM relationships; once I actually looked at the relationships from an realistic standpoint, I realized that they had been no good all along and I just didn't see it (or want to see it) before the wedding.
While it is difficult, I think weddings and brides allow someone to reevaluate those relationships that are no good, and it opens their eyes to those who count, those who matter, and those who treat you like you count and matter.
In terms of expectations, I think that comes from not communicating your expectations, them not communicating their availability and expectations, and just the stress that comes from weddings. My sister and I's relationship is getting better- it takes give and take on both ends, and if the MOH has not be a bride herself, it's often difficult for them to relate.